To The Ones I Leave Behind
by Anime Girl23
Summary: Dried spots dotted the paper, smearing black ink in spots, but every word still stood out. Burt didn't even know how many times he'd read it. Didn't know how many hours he just fucking stared at it and wanted to vomit. Some Puck/Kurt slash [Repost]


Okay, so FFN deleted five of my fics back in May due to profanity in the title/summary and I never had the motivation to repost them. Now... Well, I'm sick and I figured I might as well get around to it. I apologize to those of you who have been waiting for these to be posted again, but better late than never, right? I've edited the profanity out of the title/summary, so this hopefully doesn't happen again.

As always, reviews are love. Even if it's something short.

Disclaimer: Glee does not belong to me.

To The Ones I Leave Behind  
One-shot

There was a slight tremor to Burt's arm as he slammed the piece of notebook paper on the table.

He saw the way Puck's face paled. The way his eyes widened, terrified, as they stared holes into the note.

The fucking suicide note that he'd found under Puck's backseat when Kurt towed the rusted piece of shit into the garage and proclaimed his hate for the clunker that was older than the person that drove it.

Dried spots dotted the paper, smearing black ink in spots, but every word still stood out. Burt didn't even know how many times he'd read it. Didn't know how many hours he just fucking stared at it and wanted to vomit.

He'd been scared almost every day since he realized Kurt was gay. Still felt his heart plummet every time he read an article or heard a news broadcast about another gay teen committing suicide. Those days, he stayed closer to Kurt, was more protective. Peeked in on him at night just to make sure he was okay. Even when Kurt started to date Puck and got out of the funk Blaine had put him in after their break up, he still did it.

Never once considered Puck or how the mohawked teen might be feeling. Kurt had told him when they first got together that the Jewish boy was only just admitting the truth to himself. That he was having a hard time with it.

Finn and Kurt didn't speak for a month when his stepson told Kurt to not come out about his relationship with Puck. Kurt had called him a homophobe, but Burt knew the reason wasn't because the sometimes-dimwitted boy was small-minded. He was scared for his best friend and said as much when Burt confronted him that night after Kurt had stormed off to his room.

The bullies left Kurt alone now for the most part, but if Puck were to come out, there would be an explosion. It wouldn't be safe. Not for Puck, because though people expected Kurt to be gay, they didn't expect it out of the teen that had once-upon-a-time had a baby with Quinn Fabray. And it wouldn't be safe for Kurt, the boy that ignorant assholes would accuse of being contagious and spreading the gay.

Puck still hadn't looked at Burt, eyes glued to the paper written in his handwriting.

He was a good kid. A bit rough around the edges and his mom left a hell of a lot to be desired, but he'd treated Kurt right from day one. Been the boyfriend that not even Blaine had ever been. He'd been against the relationship when Kurt first told him, remembering the stories floating around Lima about the teen. Teen pregnancy. Housewives (basically prostitution). Juvie. Fight Club (in fucking Lima, Ohio?).

Maybe it was the foreign land Puck had ventured into when he started dating Kurt, but the two of them had moved slow. Gave Burt's heart a bit of a relief from the stress.

But those stress levels were through the roof now. Had been since he started tossing Puck's stuff into a box so he could work. He still didn't know what it was that had made him look at that sheet of paper out of all the others, but he did.

Wished he could lie to himself and say it was from a long time ago, something that was done and forgotten, but he couldn't. There was no date written, but somewhere in Burt's gut, he _knew_.

He stared at Puck staring at the paper and it was like something out of a movie as his mind conjured images of Puck's note flowing over tanned skin.

_I'm sorry._  
_I don't know how else to say this without sounding like some kind of pussy. You guys remember that team building thing Rachel tried. Stuck us in front of the TV and showed us that MTV show. The "If You Really Knew Me" one. Made us go around in a circle._  
_There was so much I didn't say._  
_I told you guys the truth about juvie, the hell it was, but that's all I'd say then. I tried to tell you more then, but it wouldn't come out. Maybe if it had, I wouldn't be writing this._  
_If you really knew me...you'd know I've been thinking about this every day since I don't even fucking know anymore._  
_If you really knew me...you'd know I've tried before. Took a bottle of pills, but Finn came over and made me throw them up before they did anything. Made me promise after that day that I'd never do it again._  
_Finn, I'm sorry. Don't hate me for taking the coward's way out._  
_Quinn, if you ever meet Beth, tell her I love her. I recorded myself singing "Beth". Give it to her. Make sure she knows how she got her name._  
_Kurt, you have every reason to hate me for this, but know that I love you. I can't write that and sound badass, but badass doesn't even matter anymore. It won't ever matter again. I'm sorry I was too chicken shit to talk to you. And I'm sorry I was too much of a coward to ever say the words before now._  
_Someone, take care of Sarah for me. Make sure she's stronger than me. She can do something with her life._  
_Fuck everyone else at that school. Glee Club is a family. You guys will get through that place._  
_-Noah_

"Did you show Kurt?" Puck asked in a whisper, voice shaky.

"No," Burt said. "Woulda broke his heart if he found this." He sighed. "You were planning this. When?"

"Tonight," he whispered.

"How?"

"Dad had a gun. Left it behind when he fucked off."

Burt nodded, his mind going to the gun he had locked in his safe and the hours he'd spent staring at it after Katherine died. "Where is it?"

"Home," Puck replied, resigned, as Burt took his arm and pulled him to his feet. The ride to the Puckerman house was quiet, the note crumpled in Puck's trembling hands. No one else was home when they walked inside, Burt's hand on Puck's back.

Puck searched under his bed for a minute before pulling his arm out, a heavy gun in his hand. He sat on his knees, hands, letter, and gun all in his lap.

Burt held his hand out, giving the teen a moment before it was transferred into his grip. It was cold. Daunting. He didn't need to open the gun to know it was loaded.

"Are you gonna tell him?"

"No, but you should. He loves you." God, did it hurt to say yet another reminder that his boy was growing up. Old enough to really fall in love now. "He'd want to know."

Puck nodded, still staring at the gun in Burt's hand. Burt watched Puck blink, trying to keep it together. His secret was out. His plan was ruined.

Burt wanted to yell at him. Wanted to scream at him and ask why he thought suicide would solve anything. Did he think about the things he'd miss? The people he'd leave behind? The pain his loved ones would feel?

But he didn't. Understood enough to know that if he hadn't had Kurt, he wouldn't have survived losing Katherine.

Kurt was working on homework when they got back to the house. Burt squeezed Puck's shoulder before giving him a soft nudge into the room. He watched his son look up at Puck, smiling brightly until he saw the same broken look that had been on his boyfriend's face since he handed over the gun. He'd emptied it before they left the house. Dumped the bullets into his left coat pocket and the gun into his right.

"Puck? What's wrong?" Kurt asked, standing. He laid a hand on Puck's cheek, a surprised _oh_ escaping him when he was engulfed in a hug.

Puck let go of him after a minute, eyes on his shoes when he put the crinkled note in Kurt's hand.

"Puck, what-"

"Read it," Puck murmured, sinking into the chair Kurt had been in a minute before. He winced along with every pained gasp and broken whimper that came from Kurt.

Burt watched from the doorway as Kurt dropped the note onto the table and pulled Puck against him so the mohawked boys head was pressed into his son's stomach. Kurt clutched at his boyfriend, bent over as he started to cry, and Burt nodded to himself, disappearing up to his room.

The gun and its bullets would go into his safe. Right beside his.

Puck slept over that night.

Burt peeked in every hour on the hour.

The End


End file.
